The Joy of Solitude

Have you ever longed to be left all alone the whole day -all by yourself? Have you longed for a whole day off when there is no one to look at you or watch you or judge you, when there is no one to whom you have to respond and talk, when there are no kids-no husband-no domestic help, when you dont play any other role but just that larger one of being who you are??

It is only in solitude sometiems when you can connect to your own self, be your own best confidant and socialise with your own hobbies and interests.

You know you are expereincing the absolute bliss of solitude:

When you can fling a leg high up in the air, and then dart off to play your favourite music and take random dancing steps in between,
When you can rip open the covers of your favorite brand new movie dvd (the one you missed at the theatre and which all your friends went crazy about calling it a must-watch) and play it on quickly, grab a packet of sinful chilly chips and coke, and jump into your bed to watch it all alone,
When you can make yourself that perfect coffee, soak in the lovely aroma and sip it slowly, and read the paper,
When you can take an hour-long beauty bath, apply a face pack and paint your nails, and not feel guilty about the time wasted,
When you can look outside the window of your room, appreciate the beauty of the white and pink bougenvilla flowers, and wonder how you failed to take notice of them all these days,
When you can shut the door of your room, start reading your favourite book and finish it off by midnight,
When you can allow yourself to be happily bored, and then arrange your almirah, and then relish the clean feeling of opening a clutter-free well-arranged almirah in the evening,
When you sit alone in a coffee shop, and finish your favourite assignmnet on your laptop, while enjoying the third coffee mug,
When you can take a walk along the lake lined by flower shrubs just before sunset in lovely weather.

It is  a breath of fresh air straight from the heavens- when you can be totally yourself doing things you love, all ALONE.




 

Irrepressible Expectations

When you love a person with all your heart, you want to do your bit to make him or her happy. When that person is in  pain, it hurts you equally-if not more.You go the extra mile to do special things for the person. Doing "special" things for that person involves time and effort, and you inconvenience yourself. But then that does not matter. To see a loved one smiling and that too because of you -gives you a lot of happiness and contentment in return.

In doing all these things, somewhere in some unknown corners of your mind and heart, silent expectations start brewing- expectations of similar things from the loved person. You convince youreslf that your love is unconditional and selfless. But can anything be self-less? Losing your own sense of "self" in your love for the person would mean trampling over your own feelings, thoughts and your own well-being. Yet, you are very sure that your feelings for the person are selfless. What you dont realise is that nothing ever can be totally devoid of your "self". And what you dont also realise is that in your subconscious, you are already harbouring lovely expectations of your love being requited in the same manner from that person.

When you type in a lovely message to the perosn over phone painstakingly thinking of rhyming lines and creating your own poetry of love, you somewhere want to be appreciated and be loved back. That person smiling on reading the message does give you happiness, but that is not enough. You want a reaction!

You spend a whole week planning a lovely smashing surprise for the upcoming birthday of that special person. Four months later, its your own birthday. Your expectations of being felt special from that very person creep up.

Expectations are clever little things. They will lie dormant inside your seemingly selfless self, and then pop up their demanding heads at the right time. If they are not met, what follows is hearbreak, tears and immense pain. Every love given always expects a fraction of that love, if not equal or more, to be taken back. No love can be unconditional, according to me.